I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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