I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
