the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
