he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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