I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
