I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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