This is not my ceiling
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
