yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
