Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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