I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
