There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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