the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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