I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
