Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
