K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize