I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
