Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
