she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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