i need an iv and a liver transplant
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
