remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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