Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
