totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i think i just lost a toe
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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