They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
