alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
