dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize