your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
