Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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