My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
