you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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