i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
