I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
