Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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