yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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