Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
