I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
