I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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