From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
