if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
