Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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