i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
