i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
