That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
this boner is exhausting
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
