its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
