I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
