my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize