It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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