tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
