if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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