She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Floor bacon is actually really good
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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