if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fuck appropriateness.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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