I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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