I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wear drunk well.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
