You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
