that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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