i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
