I got chris browned last night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
