I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize