i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
