What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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