ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
