I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
